When Drew Petersen ran the Leadville 100 in 2022, he had a mantra written on each hand: “Feel It All” and “Celebrate.” The first one became the title of his new documentary. Feel It All chronicles Drew’s journey from suicidal depression to finding purpose and strength by running the iconic ultramarathon. Drew has already saved lives by sharing part of his story in Ups and Downs. With the release of Feel It All, he hopes to help even more people, and to elevate the conversation around mental health and suicide.
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The Leadville 100’s significance for Drew predates his own participation in the race. In 2018, Rob Krar, who has shared openly about his own mental health struggles, made a triumphant return to racing after a potentially career-ending injury when he won Leadville in the second fastest time in course history. At the time, Drew says, “I was spiraling into suicidal thinking. I was desperate, I was isolated, and I was on track to take my own life, and kind of a perfect storm happened at that point in time for me. I tripped and fell while running in August of 2018, and I broke my collarbone and had a minor concussion. One of the lesser talked about symptoms of concussion is a loss of emotional control. And so I fully broke down that weekend, as a result of that concussion. That was the third weekend of August, which is Leadville weekend.
“And simultaneously, Rob had just come back from injury. That was his first success back, and that week he came out and talked publicly deeper about his depression than he ever had. And I remember listening to that interview with him very vividly because that was a serious turning point in my life and was a huge part of what gave me the courage to ask for help.
“So in a lot of ways, I view what I’m doing now as a form of paying forward the power that that moment had on me, and the strength and bravery and courage of Rob sharing himself with me is what gives me the ability to do that for someone else now. And I share that too, because I think it’s pretty awesome that all of that centered around Leadville and then simultaneously, Rob’s running the race again this year.”
Drew realized that he too could help others by sharing his experiences, but it wasn’t easy for him to start speaking out. “I’m not a Zen master and devoid of feeling other people’s perception or opinion of me. When I started talking about mental health, and when I started talking about suicide and suicidal thinking publicly, that was a really huge decision that took me a couple of years to get to that point.
“Ultimately, it had to get to a point where I knew deep within me I have this deep inner volition, and knowing that I have this song that I need to sing and that I need to share with the world and that I know will help people. And for me to do that, I had to get to a place where if other people didn’t vibe with that or align with that, or it wasn’t popular, it doesn’t matter.
“It’s kind of cliche, but when I started doing this, it was like, ‘If all of this that I do saves one life, then that’s worth it.’ And that’s very cliche, but I know that it does that. And Saturday when it [Feel It All] goes out, I know that it’s going to help a lot of people.”
Drew has found that the best way to reach people is through a common passion, like running or skiing or spending time in the mountains. “That welcomes people into a conversation who wouldn’t necessarily seek out something that’s focused on mental health or self-help or something like that. So it’s a cool conversation to engage with and the lessons within come through in that way.
“Something I take a lot of pride in and that at first really surprised me and has become something that I’m really passionate about is reaching men, especially really strong, outwardly confident men, who don’t feel welcome to feel their feelings. And that’s been the magic of welcoming them into the conversation.”
For someone who doesn’t know how to have a conversation about mental health with someone who is struggling, Rob says, “We often think that you need to be able to say the exact right thing or know the exact right thing to do. And we end up overthinking how to do that. Really, what it comes down to is just being there for that person. Innately, within every single one of us, we have the intuition of how to show up and we need to trust ourselves.
“I think that the biggest thing that any of us can do for someone who is struggling, and for someone we care about, is be someone who listens. When we sit in silence, it’s very uncomfortable, and it’s human nature to try to avoid that discomfort by speaking and speaking first, when in reality, the loved ones or friends who we’re trying to help really need the space to be heard. So listening can be very uncomfortable, but it’s what those folks need more than anything else.
“What it comes down to is creating that space and continuing to hold that space. It can be scary, but following up and staying there, continuing to hold that space, is usually what it takes because most of this stuff takes a lot of time. Whatever kind of help that person needs or whatever kind of struggles they’re going through, rarely, if ever, is it a one-time, one-conversation, one-day solution.”
Those two mantras that Rob wrote on his hand at Leadville are words that he has carried within his heart well beyond that one day. “‘Feel it all,’ to me, means embracing that entire spectrum of the human experience, the good, the bad, the ugly, everything in between, and truly feeling that. With the film coming out, an intention that I try to keep within me is to really feel what that’s like to share myself with the world and to feel the impact that it’s having on people. I’m incredibly privileged and I’m very grateful that I get to connect with a lot of people both digitally and in person. And I just try to make sure that I’m feeling that when I hear somebody share with me.
“And then, ‘Celebrate.’ Every hundred I’ve ever ran is a celebration of all the training and all the moments in life that led up to that point. But it’s a celebration of so much more. For me, it’s a celebration that I’m still alive. It’s a celebration that I found my purpose for being alive on this planet. And it’s a celebration of these mountains and my home and my relationship to those mountains.”
Drew is returning to run Leadville again this year, and Feel It All will be released at the same time that the shotgun goes off to start the race. “When I go around Leadville,” he says, “I’m going to be running it for everyone who’s ever felt the pain and sorrow and isolation of depression and absolute despair of suicidal thinking. And I’m gonna run it for everybody who’s still here and everybody who’s not. And for the loved ones and family members and friends who have lost somebody to a death by suicide.
“I’m running it for all of the people who I’ve been able to connect with. I’m running it for all of the people who are going to watch the film and see themselves in me. And the real ‘why’ of why I run for them is because of the strength that’s in every single one of us and that is in all of those people, because I’m incredibly privileged for how many people I get to connect with. They are the strongest people I’ve ever met. And I’m going to be running with the strength of every single one of those people out there. And in that sense, I’m going to feel all of that. And I’m going to celebrate that.”
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